Some people are so inconsiderate of anyone else. Those people are the most difficult to get along with. I try, but I can only give so much before I just can’t take it anymore. I am here, I have a life, a personal agenda. My schedule does not revolve around yours. Why can’t you see past yourself?

I am trying to be friendly. I am trying to not be moody and bitchy. But sometimes I have just had enough. J owed me some money for tickets I had bought for him. I called earlier in the day to see about setting something up to meet, but we had both been out riding (not together) and were tired. I wanted to take a nap, and I’m sure he fell asleep in front of the TV as always. So… I told him to give me a call when he woke up. 3 hours later, I had not heard from him. It was dinner time by now. I called him up, he though hemight go have dinner with a friend and said if he did he could drop by on his way. If not, I could come over to get the money. He said he needed to call his friend and see what was going on. Over an hour later he had not called back. I call him again. Hello? What’s going on? Oh, I’m on my way to meet with Chris, I’ll stop by when I am done (It is now about 8:30). Well… do you have any idea when that would be? No (with attittude). He always hates when I ask for an ETA or try to plan anything. He wants to be in control of every situation, ALWAYS.

Well, I was hoping you could stop by on your way, so that I could go do some stuff and not have to just hang out. Besides I know that when he goes out with Chris he won’t be getting home until late. I wanted to be in bed by 9! I had attitude. I admit it. I was a moody bitch. But who wouldn’t be. I have had enough of his disregard for me, my thoughts, plans, feelings, everything. Even if I didn’t have any plans… he is just rude and incosiderate to think I would just wait until ‘he’ was ready to stop by. Aaargh!

In the end, he stopped by before he went to meet Chris, but he wasn’t happy about it. AND he had his son with him who just looks at me like a sad pitiful idiot and won’t talk to me. We used to write e-mails and chat on myspace. Now he won’t respond to my e-mails. I know Jason is telling him all sorts of crap about me. It pisses me off that he won’t know what an asshole his dad is and that he won’t know how to treat a woman. Jason really is not a good role model in that respect. I am so angry about that. Errr! I just don’t have the words.

J and I were best friends for over a year before we started dating. I think that is a big reason why things moved so fast for us. We already knew each other pretty well and it was easy to just jump in full force. I moved in after only 4 months. That’s pretty quick! I was sure he was “the one”. When I spoke to him yesterday he confirmed that he felt the same. So… what happend? How can we go from being so in love and planning the rest of our lives to this. Whatever it is. I love him. He says he loves me. (I guess I have no choice but to believe him.) But we are no longer ‘in love’. I know that we could be. I was willing to work on it. But he wasn’t. The biggest problem in our relationship was our inability to communicate with one another. Even though we are very similar in many ways, we have quite a few differences. Significant differences in how we veiw the world and how we react to certain events. And we were both stubborn and very decisive in what we thought was ‘right’. We were both right, AND, we were both wrong. So were does that leave us? It is over. We have no relationship now. We are trying to salvage a friendship. But will it ever be the way it was? It can’t. I can’t imagine ever thinking of him and not imagining what it was like to be in his arms and feel the heat of his body next to mine. To be the first and last voice I heard each day. What will our friendship look like? Can we be friends? I keep telling myself that I would rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all, but can I do that? Can I forgive him? Can he forgive me?

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don’t EVER forget it.”

(From: trompetaz Thanks!)

Freinds are awesome. Can one ever have too many friends? I don’t know. I guess you could get to the point were you try to maintain close relationships with so many people that inevitably all your relationships suffer. I’m not there yet.

I think that is one the the hardest things about ending a relationship. Not to mention the sadness, anger, feeling like a relationship failure, having your heart broken… The thing is that I have a tendancy to lose touch with people when I get really involved in a relationship. I throw myheart and soul into it. I’m sure some ‘losing touch’ is common when you start up a new relationship just because you are spending so much of your time with this one person, but I think that I take it to the extreme.

I don’t have many “friends”. I have alot of aquaintances and I am well-known in the community (which doesn’t help), but not many people I can really talk to and just chill with. Just relax and be me.

When you are a couple, you have couple friends. J and I shared friends. And now that we aren’t together, it is somewhat awkward to hang with those friends, because I know they are his friends. And most of them are his family members, or were his friends before they were my friends. And they have said that they love me and think I am great… but they thought I was great as J’s other half. They have never known me without him. They are somewhat biased because they are his friends and could see that I made him happy. And now that I don’t make him happy anymore, are they still my friends? I don’t know.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am grateful for my friendships. New friends are fun and exciting. Old friends are amazing, because they know all aobut you and love you still. I hope to have many old friends as I age. I want to die having people around me who will miss me, and cherish the years we spent as friends. Maybe that is morbid to be thinking of my death…but actually I am thinking of my life. A life of joy, happiness, freindship. A life I want to live. A person I want to be. 

I pasted this from livejournal. I didn’t want to write anything else, but wanted to include it here…
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Sometimes I wish that I had the courage to just not care. It is my fear that causes me to behave the way I do. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being less than perfect. Deep down I know that all of my fear is ridiculous and unnecessary. But when I am in a trying situation, my emotions take over. I react poorly. I don’t think. Or if I do My head is full of negative thoughts such as I must be ugly; I must be fat; I must be slow; I must be inappropriate; I must be… whatever negative thing you want to add there, I’ve thought it. These thoughts,  negative self-talk, cause me to do the most stupid things. Things that have no place in a healthy life. A person with good coping skills would not behave the way I do. Why am I this way? Where did I fall off track and miss that lesson? That very crucial learning period where we become who we are going to be? I’m not really sure who I am I guess. I know who I used to be and who I want to be. But right now… I am stuck.

Why can I stop the negative thoughts from taking over when I am racing and I can put aside all my fears and just be an athlete? Why can’t I do that in life?

When I was younger I was a gymnast. I would practice 3-4 hours a day. And in the fall we had meets almost every weekend from September to December. The Gym was my refuge, my escape. When I walked into that building everything disappeared. I had no family except my coaches and my teammates. I had no fears except the balance beam. I had no issues except how could I become more graceful. All of those things I could face. Easily. I was home there. The day I quit, was the worst day of my life. I remember sobbing so hard. My brother came into my room and was scared because he had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn’t really know either. I mean I knew I was sad. Gymnastics was a way of life for me. But at the time, I didn’t understand what it really was. It was an escape, a crutch, a way out of my reality. I had turned my bedroom into a gymnastics shrine. Mary Lou Retton covered my walls, along with Nadia, Missy, Olga, Kristy, and many more. I had ribbons and medals and plaques displayed showing myself, the world, that I had done something. I was good at something. I was special. When the yelling and screaming and crashing was happening in the other parts of the house, I would go there and cry. When he gave me those looks and displayed himself to me, I would go there and cry. He would try to get in and I would pull the shades closed and lock the doors and push my dresser in front of the door. That made him mad. So he just go violent. But at least he wouldn’t touch me in that way that makes me sick still to this day. My mother put up with so much abuse. I don’t know why she was so weak. Why didn’t she leave. Take us somewhere and never come back. I would have gone anywhere. I ran away once. I was gone for about 8 hours. No one noticed. I decided to come back because I couldn’t go to the gym if I was on the street somewhere. I needed the gym. I’m still not sure if that was the best decision. But I guess I would probably be dead or a crack whore or something if I had left.

Why is it that I forget all the good things in my life when something bad happens? Why does this negativity just overshadow anything positive. I could be having a great day and then I encounter some kind of assinine reject with nothing but resentment and criticism and discouragement… and everthing dissolves and becomes this gunky sort of mush that I just can’t get out of. And I get so angry. I yell, I cry, I beat my fists on whatever is around me, I want to hit something, I want to break something, I want to just make him SHUT-UP and listen. Aaaaaa!

Pass it on. get away. remove myself. breathe. remember that there are people who love me. I have friends. I have family (sort-of). I guess if I really needed them they would help. But of course it would take some serious compromise on my part. Basically I would be saying I was wrong, it was perfectly okay what you did to me. I shouldn’t hate you. I should let you touch me and talk to me and look at me in that way that makes my skin crawl and causes my stomache to heave. I get turned inside out. Vulnerable. Naked. Disgusting. And I can’t do anything about it.

So… I don’t go there anymore. I stay away. I avoid. I don’t look. I don’t listen. I don’t feel.

But what happens when you finally let yourself feel? I let everything out. I told J everything. I let him see my soul. My hurts, my pains, my scars. I was open. I was vulnerable. I had so much to lose. And now…he takes my history, my wounds and twists them up into something so much more evil than they ever were to begin with. The man I love(d) the most in this world…the man I trusted with my soul…lashed out using me as a weapon against me. I thought you loved me. And you wonder why I was so angry. No… I don’t hate you…but…I don’t respect you any longer. I can’t trust you. I can’t feel you. I can’t breathe you. You are my most recent wound. I’m not going to let you be a scar. I will get one of those patches that gets rid of scars and drown you out. Make you fade into nothing. I will hardly be able to tell that you were ever here.

the sadness is still overwhelming. I can feel the depression laying over me like a heavy quilt. But… there is a small flickering light in the darkness of my day. I have a new best friend. A small gray tabby named Emma Jane. She is just six weeks old. I fell in love with her immediately. She came home with me yesterday and I just can’t get enough of her. I was actually happy to hear that the maintenance man would be coming into my apartment today to check on a few things. So.. I just had to bring her to work with me. Darn! She is lying on my lap right now, sleeping in the tiniest ball of fluff ever. She is just so dang cute! She will help me get through this I know. My new best friend. Princess Emma.

I have been so angry for the past week. This morning I got up, went to the bathroom and just stood in front of the mirror. Such saddness. I realized, I am no longer angry. The anger is just debilitating. It makes me say and do things I shouldn’t and wouldn’t in a sane state. It is pointless, a waste of time. The anger has been replace by such sadness. I can’t even describe the depth of it. I feel like I am walking through a cloud. A grey one. Dark grey with a heaviness that just weighs on me. Every step is a challenge. I feel like I gained 100 pounds overnight. I can’t move. Everything is slow and deliberate. I feel old. And so tired.

Welcome to my life. My thoughts. My dreams. My issues. My worries. Feel free to read, contemplated, desregard, whatever. This is not for you anyway. This journal will log my struggles and triumphs on my journey to health. Through the randomization of my thought processes I will learn to love and respect myself. I will learn to be great. I will learn to be me.