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I think I am done with this journal. I don’t really feel like writing here lately. I have my tri blog and I have LJ. I don’t really need this one, except to hash out things on my own. I don’t get many hits on this page, so I can pretty much write whatever I want and not have to worry about what I say because there is no one reading.

This journal really is for me, but I just don’t feel like I need it anymore. But I’m sure I will have stuff to say later. I’m thinking of going old-fashioned. Back to pen and paper in a nifty binding that I can take to a coffee shop with me or to the ocean or the forest or where ever. There is something about the old private diary. You can right it and the n burn it. It is gone. I guess I could write and then delete the post, but it just isn’t as satisfying.

Well… I’m not ready to delete this journal yet. But I;m thinking about it. I may just clean it up. Make it vey simple. Hmmm.

10 Favorites
Favorite season: Summer
Favorite color: red (but this changes depending on life)
Favorite time: Summer evenings, just before sunset
Favorite food: vegetables, salad
Favorite drink: Americano from Pete’s
Favorite ice cream: peppermint
Favorite place: the gym
Favorite sport: My frist true love was and always will be gymnastics, but I have fallen pretty deeply for triathlon
Favorite actor: Tom Hanks
Favorite actress: Sandra Bullock

9 Currents
Current feeling: Tired and achy
Current drink: water
Current time: 8:56am
Current show on TV: no tv
Current mobile used: nothing.
Current windows open: wordpress
Current underwear: none – bike shorts
Current clothes: bike shorts, tank, sweatshirt
Current thought: i have so much to do today

8 Firsts
First nickname: Baby Eagoo
First kiss: James, my friend’s older brother. I tackled him and kissed him in third grade. But then not another ‘real’ kiss until 9th grade
First crush: James. The above mentioned tackle kiss
First best friend: Aubrey Wallman
First vehicle I drove: My mom’s chevy malibu when I was 10 or 11
First job: Chuck E. Cheese. I was Chuck E
First date: I can’t remember. Probably a school dance in 9th grade.
First pet: OJ, an orange cat I would carry around by the neck

7 Lasts
Last drink: water
Last kiss: Last night. A first kiss from James. 😉
Last meal: Protien bar
Last website visited: Live Journal
Last movie watched: Step Up (With James and his 13 year old daughter and her friend)
Last phone call: James (details for the movie)
Last TV Show watched: Survivor (for the first time ever)

6 Have you evers
Have you ever broken the law: Yes, I’m sure in my car all the time
Have you ever been drunk: yep
Have you ever kissed someone you didn’t know: No. i don’t think so
Have you ever been close to gun fire: Yes. My brothers used to shoot birds in our backyard
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes. wonderful!
Have you ever broken anyones heart: yes

5 Things
5 things you can hear right now: aerobics music, the radio, weights, computer buzzing, people talking
5 things on your bed: sheets, comforter, pillows, throw blanket, the cutest kitten ever
5 things you ate today: protien bar, water, power gel
5 things you can’t live without: water, friends, my bike, my running shoes, my goggles
5 things you do when you get bored: internet, eat, sleep, call people, crosswords

4 Places you have been today
the gym, that’s it

3 Things on your desk right now
well, it’s not really my desk, but things that are mine…
cell phone
hear rate monitor
water bottle

2 Choices
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: hot

1 Place you want to visit
Italy

Things I would like to do before I die
1. Race Ironman Hawaii
2. Visit Italy
3. Ride with the Tour de France
4. Have a family
5. Truly be happy with myself

Things I CAN NOT do

1. Play Tennis (or any other raquet sport)
2. Forgive my step-father
3. Eat sushi
4. Fly an airplane
5. Sleep past 7:00am

Things I CAN do
1. Cook
2. Swim, bike, & run
3. See the good in others
4. sudoku (analytical puzzles)
5. Write (when I’m motivated)

Things that attracted me to my (future) husband
1. Compassion
2. Athleticism
3. Sensitivity
4. Kindness
5. Adoration of me


Things I say most often

1. “What?!”
2. “Oh my goodness.”
3. “Whatever.”
4. “uh-huh…”  (whenever I’m not really listening)
5. “No, *insert whatever* does not count as a fruit/vegetable.”

Books I love to read
1. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
2. Anne of Green Gables by Megan Follows
3. Little Women by Louisa M. Alcott
4. It’s Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong
5. This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti

Movies I love
1. Princess Bride
2. Finding Neverland
3. Forest Gump
4. Shawshank Redemption
5. Sleepless In Seattle

Something wakes me in the middle of the night. I open my eyes to see light. What? Did I leave a light on? I half sit-up. The door to my apartment is open. I hear a noise coming from the bathroom. Pulling the sheets up around me I sit up with a timid “hello?” A drunken man stumbles out of my bathroom and stares at me.

What is this? What’s going on? How did this happen?

“What are you doing? You need to leave?”

“No you leave!”

“What?”

Incoherent mumbling

“You need to get out now!”

More mumbling

“Leave now or I am calling the police”

“Go ahead, call the police”

How am I going to get out of this. I am naked. Protected only by a sheet and a comforter. What do I do? What is he going to do? I can’t just sit here!

I pull at the sheet, but it is tucked so tightly at the bottom that I cannot get it off the bed. I pull the comforter around me all bundled up hoping that he doesn’t get violent, or worse.

Finally as I reach for my phone he staggers out mumbling something about ‘fucking crazy bitches’. I slam the door closed behind him and lock all four locks. Crazy. When I moved in I laughed that there were four different locks. I’m in a secure building!

I broke down immediately. Shaking and crying. I didn’t know what to do. I called Jason. After I told him what happened and he determined that I was not hurt, he told me I needed to call the police. I felt silly calling them. Afterall, what could they do? He was gone, right?

The police came. Took a report. Searched the area. They found nothing. After they left I called Jason again to tell him that they came and everything was all right. There was no way I was going to be able to get any sleep. He invited me to sleep over there. Of course I jumped at it! Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I did not want to be there, alone. So, I went to Jason’s and he was very sweet. He held me and comforted me until I finally fell asleep. I think I got about 45′ before I had to get up.

When I went back to my apartment this morning there were two police cars sitting outside. I guess they were watching for him. That makes me feel good that they actually took it seriously and were doing something.

I left a note for my manager notifying her of the situation and requesting the locks be changed. After some nosing around, she found that my neighbor across the hall had about three guy friends over last night. One of them fit the description of the guy I saw. They were all still very drunk this morning. I guess he just went into the wrong apartment. I like to think that’s what it was.

What if I didn’t wake up? What if he just climbed into bed and found a naked woman? What if he had a weapon? What if he wasn’t alone? What if…

I haven’t felt that vulnerable in a very long time. I thought that after leaving home I would never have to feel that way again. I am still shaking as I write this.

I really do not want to be at work today.

Two crazy things associated with last night. One-I always lock the deadbolt behind me, even during the day. It is just a habit. for some reason I did not last night. Two-When I called Jason, he was wide awake. For some reason he had woken up about five minutes before I called.

I don’t know what that means, but it is eerie.

Some people are so inconsiderate of anyone else. Those people are the most difficult to get along with. I try, but I can only give so much before I just can’t take it anymore. I am here, I have a life, a personal agenda. My schedule does not revolve around yours. Why can’t you see past yourself?

I am trying to be friendly. I am trying to not be moody and bitchy. But sometimes I have just had enough. J owed me some money for tickets I had bought for him. I called earlier in the day to see about setting something up to meet, but we had both been out riding (not together) and were tired. I wanted to take a nap, and I’m sure he fell asleep in front of the TV as always. So… I told him to give me a call when he woke up. 3 hours later, I had not heard from him. It was dinner time by now. I called him up, he though hemight go have dinner with a friend and said if he did he could drop by on his way. If not, I could come over to get the money. He said he needed to call his friend and see what was going on. Over an hour later he had not called back. I call him again. Hello? What’s going on? Oh, I’m on my way to meet with Chris, I’ll stop by when I am done (It is now about 8:30). Well… do you have any idea when that would be? No (with attittude). He always hates when I ask for an ETA or try to plan anything. He wants to be in control of every situation, ALWAYS.

Well, I was hoping you could stop by on your way, so that I could go do some stuff and not have to just hang out. Besides I know that when he goes out with Chris he won’t be getting home until late. I wanted to be in bed by 9! I had attitude. I admit it. I was a moody bitch. But who wouldn’t be. I have had enough of his disregard for me, my thoughts, plans, feelings, everything. Even if I didn’t have any plans… he is just rude and incosiderate to think I would just wait until ‘he’ was ready to stop by. Aaargh!

In the end, he stopped by before he went to meet Chris, but he wasn’t happy about it. AND he had his son with him who just looks at me like a sad pitiful idiot and won’t talk to me. We used to write e-mails and chat on myspace. Now he won’t respond to my e-mails. I know Jason is telling him all sorts of crap about me. It pisses me off that he won’t know what an asshole his dad is and that he won’t know how to treat a woman. Jason really is not a good role model in that respect. I am so angry about that. Errr! I just don’t have the words.

the sadness is still overwhelming. I can feel the depression laying over me like a heavy quilt. But… there is a small flickering light in the darkness of my day. I have a new best friend. A small gray tabby named Emma Jane. She is just six weeks old. I fell in love with her immediately. She came home with me yesterday and I just can’t get enough of her. I was actually happy to hear that the maintenance man would be coming into my apartment today to check on a few things. So.. I just had to bring her to work with me. Darn! She is lying on my lap right now, sleeping in the tiniest ball of fluff ever. She is just so dang cute! She will help me get through this I know. My new best friend. Princess Emma.

Welcome to my life. My thoughts. My dreams. My issues. My worries. Feel free to read, contemplated, desregard, whatever. This is not for you anyway. This journal will log my struggles and triumphs on my journey to health. Through the randomization of my thought processes I will learn to love and respect myself. I will learn to be great. I will learn to be me.