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So I made this deal with a friend that I would not call J for an entire week. Well it will turn out to be more than a week, but I figure after a week I will be used to him not being in my life. For every three days that I don’t call him, CLO is going to give me a present! Yeah! She’s like my ‘Jason Patch’. I don’t really need him. And I don’t really need to talk to him. I am just used to him being there. So I call out of habit. I call because it feels weird not to call. Even though I have nothing to say.

So today is day 2. I haven’t talked to him since 9ish on Tuesday night. But that was in person. I guess it counts still, but… I didn’t call him.

You know in the movies, they show the girl calling, and calling, and calling. (I’m not that bad!) but why do women call? Why do we put ourselves in that position? Why do we make the guy think we can’t live without him when we know it’s not true? Why do we have such a hard time letting go? Eh, I don’t know. I guess that’s why I have friends that make present yielding deals. 🙂

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Some people are so inconsiderate of anyone else. Those people are the most difficult to get along with. I try, but I can only give so much before I just can’t take it anymore. I am here, I have a life, a personal agenda. My schedule does not revolve around yours. Why can’t you see past yourself?

I am trying to be friendly. I am trying to not be moody and bitchy. But sometimes I have just had enough. J owed me some money for tickets I had bought for him. I called earlier in the day to see about setting something up to meet, but we had both been out riding (not together) and were tired. I wanted to take a nap, and I’m sure he fell asleep in front of the TV as always. So… I told him to give me a call when he woke up. 3 hours later, I had not heard from him. It was dinner time by now. I called him up, he though hemight go have dinner with a friend and said if he did he could drop by on his way. If not, I could come over to get the money. He said he needed to call his friend and see what was going on. Over an hour later he had not called back. I call him again. Hello? What’s going on? Oh, I’m on my way to meet with Chris, I’ll stop by when I am done (It is now about 8:30). Well… do you have any idea when that would be? No (with attittude). He always hates when I ask for an ETA or try to plan anything. He wants to be in control of every situation, ALWAYS.

Well, I was hoping you could stop by on your way, so that I could go do some stuff and not have to just hang out. Besides I know that when he goes out with Chris he won’t be getting home until late. I wanted to be in bed by 9! I had attitude. I admit it. I was a moody bitch. But who wouldn’t be. I have had enough of his disregard for me, my thoughts, plans, feelings, everything. Even if I didn’t have any plans… he is just rude and incosiderate to think I would just wait until ‘he’ was ready to stop by. Aaargh!

In the end, he stopped by before he went to meet Chris, but he wasn’t happy about it. AND he had his son with him who just looks at me like a sad pitiful idiot and won’t talk to me. We used to write e-mails and chat on myspace. Now he won’t respond to my e-mails. I know Jason is telling him all sorts of crap about me. It pisses me off that he won’t know what an asshole his dad is and that he won’t know how to treat a woman. Jason really is not a good role model in that respect. I am so angry about that. Errr! I just don’t have the words.

J and I were best friends for over a year before we started dating. I think that is a big reason why things moved so fast for us. We already knew each other pretty well and it was easy to just jump in full force. I moved in after only 4 months. That’s pretty quick! I was sure he was “the one”. When I spoke to him yesterday he confirmed that he felt the same. So… what happend? How can we go from being so in love and planning the rest of our lives to this. Whatever it is. I love him. He says he loves me. (I guess I have no choice but to believe him.) But we are no longer ‘in love’. I know that we could be. I was willing to work on it. But he wasn’t. The biggest problem in our relationship was our inability to communicate with one another. Even though we are very similar in many ways, we have quite a few differences. Significant differences in how we veiw the world and how we react to certain events. And we were both stubborn and very decisive in what we thought was ‘right’. We were both right, AND, we were both wrong. So were does that leave us? It is over. We have no relationship now. We are trying to salvage a friendship. But will it ever be the way it was? It can’t. I can’t imagine ever thinking of him and not imagining what it was like to be in his arms and feel the heat of his body next to mine. To be the first and last voice I heard each day. What will our friendship look like? Can we be friends? I keep telling myself that I would rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all, but can I do that? Can I forgive him? Can he forgive me?

I pasted this from livejournal. I didn’t want to write anything else, but wanted to include it here…
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Why is it that I forget all the good things in my life when something bad happens? Why does this negativity just overshadow anything positive. I could be having a great day and then I encounter some kind of assinine reject with nothing but resentment and criticism and discouragement… and everthing dissolves and becomes this gunky sort of mush that I just can’t get out of. And I get so angry. I yell, I cry, I beat my fists on whatever is around me, I want to hit something, I want to break something, I want to just make him SHUT-UP and listen. Aaaaaa!

Pass it on. get away. remove myself. breathe. remember that there are people who love me. I have friends. I have family (sort-of). I guess if I really needed them they would help. But of course it would take some serious compromise on my part. Basically I would be saying I was wrong, it was perfectly okay what you did to me. I shouldn’t hate you. I should let you touch me and talk to me and look at me in that way that makes my skin crawl and causes my stomache to heave. I get turned inside out. Vulnerable. Naked. Disgusting. And I can’t do anything about it.

So… I don’t go there anymore. I stay away. I avoid. I don’t look. I don’t listen. I don’t feel.

But what happens when you finally let yourself feel? I let everything out. I told J everything. I let him see my soul. My hurts, my pains, my scars. I was open. I was vulnerable. I had so much to lose. And now…he takes my history, my wounds and twists them up into something so much more evil than they ever were to begin with. The man I love(d) the most in this world…the man I trusted with my soul…lashed out using me as a weapon against me. I thought you loved me. And you wonder why I was so angry. No… I don’t hate you…but…I don’t respect you any longer. I can’t trust you. I can’t feel you. I can’t breathe you. You are my most recent wound. I’m not going to let you be a scar. I will get one of those patches that gets rid of scars and drown you out. Make you fade into nothing. I will hardly be able to tell that you were ever here.