I am happy. I am in a good place right now. I’m not sure exactly how it happened. I’m not used to feeling okay with myself.

Somewhere in the past few weeks I became comfortable with were I am. Oh sure, there are things I want to change. But basically I am okay with me.

I have been very lazy lately. I guess I am going into the off season, but my training dropped from 13-16 hours a week, to maybe 8. I am working on that one now. I still have a century and a marathon this fall. So I have to pull it together.

I am 10 pounds overweight. My ideal racing weight is 130-132. That is were I feel the best. But this year I was around 136-138 for most of the season and I did all right. Now I am 142, and I am not totally disgusted with myself. That is a huge improvement over this time last year. At the end of last summer I was fighting against 134 and feeling like a blob. I hate feeling like I am the fattest, ugliest woman in the world. It’s all in my head I know. Even when I stand side by side with someone else, I can see that I am not a cow, but I feel like one. It is horrible. And I get so disgusted I can’t even think. I just want to puke until there is nothing left of me.

Anyway, even being the heaviest I have been in  a few years, I still feel okay. I don’t feel totally disgusting!

I’m not saying that I don’t struggle with it still, but I am much more accepting of myself.

So what’s going on? What has brought on this change? Why do I feel so good?

Maybe I shouldn’t question it, but just accept it.

The thing is… I want to know why! I know I will get back down there again (it is the cycle of my life) so I want to know what has brought me out. Or maybe how to prevent the slipping back down.

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