Usually I am very closed off. Distant. Unemotional. Some people would even call me cold. That is just me. And after reading a recent post from Paul about the stars and such, I think maybe it’s ingrained. Not just me. I have an excuse. I am aquarius. Anyway, lately I have been very unaquarian in this aspect. I have been *very* emotional. I cry at the slightest things. Get worked up over things that don’t matter. And I have not been very good about hiding my emotions.

This is my diagnoses. I met someone. Fell in love. Let him into my soul. Let him see my deepest secrets, thoughts, and feelings. I let him see my emotion. For the first time in my life, I didn’t hide anything. This opened the gates. Tears flowed. I became irrational. I became sensitive. I became emotional.

He tore my heart and soul to pieces when he took his love away. I had no outlet for these emotions that have been welling up. I used to be able to talk to him about everything. Now he isn’t there. I’ve been so caught up in the fact that he was no longer a part of my life that I beleived that I was emotional about him. After some recent contemplation and internal reflection… I have come to the conclusion that my being emotional has to do with my childhood more than my recent past.

Here is the story. I was raised by a single mother. She got married when I was 12. I wanted a father so badly. I was incredibly excited. I couldn’t wait to be a ‘family’. He was an alcoholic. He was physically abusive. He was emotionally abusive. He was sexually abusive. My mother stayed with him. She is still with him. I don’t go home to visit because he is there. I do not have a family because he is a part of it.

Jason gave me a family. I became important, loved, part of something. We weren’t married, but we were well on our way. In my mind we were already there. I lived with him and his son. I acted as wife and mother. We were a family. I became a part of his extended family as well. They gave me a mother and father. A sister. Cousins. Aunts. Family Friends. I was part of a real family. I thought this was my family and I would be there forever.

He gave me that. I’ve wanted it my entire life. I needed it.

And then he tore it away from me. I am alone in the world again. I have friends. But even the best friends are not the same as having a family.

I guess the closest thing I have to a family right now is CLO. My surrogate sister. But she has her own family. Her own life. Sometimes I feel like I am imposing on her family. But I just want to be part of something. I want to have people to share life with. To celebrate with. Even to fight with. And then make up because you still love each other. And that’s what families do. Maybe I just have an unrealistic dream of a family in my head. I know all families are different. But I don’t think my family was ‘a family’.

That is why I am emotional. I caught a brief glimpse of what I have been missing. And it was snatched away before I could fully enjoy it. I am sad. I miss my mother. I miss my brothers. I wish I had a father.