I pasted this from livejournal. I didn’t want to write anything else, but wanted to include it here…

I am so sad today… Last night I watched this movie all about relationships and such. It was a good movie, but it reminded me of my relationship problems and the fact that I am single again and J is not in my life. It made me sad. I know that things were not perfect with us and he didn’t always treat me the way I wanted to be treated. But I love him still. And when we first got together. Oh man! It was fabulous. Just being around him made me feel beautiful. He made me feel special. He loved me. And I miss that. I so wanted to get back to that, but somehow I lost myself in trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. And in that process, we started to grind on eachother. Tearing eachother down. Until there was nothing left. I think that we both left the relationship hating who we had become. And that is really the issue. I don’t hate him. I hate who I became while trying to be who he wanted me to be. And in reality, he just wanted me to be me. But I am so afraid of being rejected, I am afraid to be me. I was afraid that he wouldn’t love *me*. Now I gues I will never know. And it hurts. So much. I just want to go home. I don’t want to be at work today. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have a client meeting in an hour and I am a mess.

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