Why is it that I forget all the good things in my life when something bad happens? Why does this negativity just overshadow anything positive. I could be having a great day and then I encounter some kind of assinine reject with nothing but resentment and criticism and discouragement… and everthing dissolves and becomes this gunky sort of mush that I just can’t get out of. And I get so angry. I yell, I cry, I beat my fists on whatever is around me, I want to hit something, I want to break something, I want to just make him SHUT-UP and listen. Aaaaaa!

Pass it on. get away. remove myself. breathe. remember that there are people who love me. I have friends. I have family (sort-of). I guess if I really needed them they would help. But of course it would take some serious compromise on my part. Basically I would be saying I was wrong, it was perfectly okay what you did to me. I shouldn’t hate you. I should let you touch me and talk to me and look at me in that way that makes my skin crawl and causes my stomache to heave. I get turned inside out. Vulnerable. Naked. Disgusting. And I can’t do anything about it.

So… I don’t go there anymore. I stay away. I avoid. I don’t look. I don’t listen. I don’t feel.

But what happens when you finally let yourself feel? I let everything out. I told J everything. I let him see my soul. My hurts, my pains, my scars. I was open. I was vulnerable. I had so much to lose. And now…he takes my history, my wounds and twists them up into something so much more evil than they ever were to begin with. The man I love(d) the most in this world…the man I trusted with my soul…lashed out using me as a weapon against me. I thought you loved me. And you wonder why I was so angry. No… I don’t hate you…but…I don’t respect you any longer. I can’t trust you. I can’t feel you. I can’t breathe you. You are my most recent wound. I’m not going to let you be a scar. I will get one of those patches that gets rid of scars and drown you out. Make you fade into nothing. I will hardly be able to tell that you were ever here.

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