I think I am done with this journal. I don’t really feel like writing here lately. I have my tri blog and I have LJ. I don’t really need this one, except to hash out things on my own. I don’t get many hits on this page, so I can pretty much write whatever I want and not have to worry about what I say because there is no one reading.

This journal really is for me, but I just don’t feel like I need it anymore. But I’m sure I will have stuff to say later. I’m thinking of going old-fashioned. Back to pen and paper in a nifty binding that I can take to a coffee shop with me or to the ocean or the forest or where ever. There is something about the old private diary. You can right it and the n burn it. It is gone. I guess I could write and then delete the post, but it just isn’t as satisfying.

Well… I’m not ready to delete this journal yet. But I;m thinking about it. I may just clean it up. Make it vey simple. Hmmm.

Okay, I was right. Full circle.

Well, maybe half-circle. I’m not completely in the pit of despair, but I have come down. I don’t know what happened. All of the sudden I feel like a huge lard-a## and I don’t want to do anything but sleep.

I’m hoping it is just because I have been ill yesterday and still not feeling well today. Or was I ill because I am depressed. Damn! I hate this. I hate my stomache. I hate my scars. I hate my face. I hate me.

OK. That last one is not totally true. I don’t *hate* me. I just have moments of despising myself and wishing I could be better. Perfect.

I wish I was perfect. I know! Unrealistic. There is know perfect. But somehow that’s what I’m always striving for. Maybe that’s why I’m so miserable. The endless chase of something unattainable.

I am happy. I am in a good place right now. I’m not sure exactly how it happened. I’m not used to feeling okay with myself.

Somewhere in the past few weeks I became comfortable with were I am. Oh sure, there are things I want to change. But basically I am okay with me.

I have been very lazy lately. I guess I am going into the off season, but my training dropped from 13-16 hours a week, to maybe 8. I am working on that one now. I still have a century and a marathon this fall. So I have to pull it together.

I am 10 pounds overweight. My ideal racing weight is 130-132. That is were I feel the best. But this year I was around 136-138 for most of the season and I did all right. Now I am 142, and I am not totally disgusted with myself. That is a huge improvement over this time last year. At the end of last summer I was fighting against 134 and feeling like a blob. I hate feeling like I am the fattest, ugliest woman in the world. It’s all in my head I know. Even when I stand side by side with someone else, I can see that I am not a cow, but I feel like one. It is horrible. And I get so disgusted I can’t even think. I just want to puke until there is nothing left of me.

Anyway, even being the heaviest I have been in  a few years, I still feel okay. I don’t feel totally disgusting!

I’m not saying that I don’t struggle with it still, but I am much more accepting of myself.

So what’s going on? What has brought on this change? Why do I feel so good?

Maybe I shouldn’t question it, but just accept it.

The thing is… I want to know why! I know I will get back down there again (it is the cycle of my life) so I want to know what has brought me out. Or maybe how to prevent the slipping back down.

When do you know that you have moved on? When do you know that you are okay? That you are over it?

Am I over it? Have I moved on? Or am I just pre-occupied with something new?

I guess it just happens and you never really know when or how until one day you you just realize that you haven’t thought about it in awhile. And then you know that it doesn’t matter, and you have moved on.

I would like to say I have moved on and I am over it. But it hasn’t been that long and I just can’t imagine that I could pull the break like that. But then… I have been doing alot of thinking lately. And I have realized how bad the situation was. And how unhappy I was. I feel like I am free and I can do whatever I want. But does that mean that I am over him?

I’ve kissed someone else. Two someone elses. (I’m not a hoe, really!) It was nice. James was a shock. Dave was sweet. It was freedom. I did not think about Jason. So… what does that mean?

Am I ready to move on? Should I continue this? Should I try forming a relationship with someone new? Should I even be thinking about this?

I don’t want to rush into something that may be great, but turns sour because I am not ready. Do I need to be alone? I was single for 3 and a half years. I really enjoyed it. Is that what I need? To ‘find’ myself?

How do I know? When will I know? Life is just happening. It is odd.

10 Favorites
Favorite season: Summer
Favorite color: red (but this changes depending on life)
Favorite time: Summer evenings, just before sunset
Favorite food: vegetables, salad
Favorite drink: Americano from Pete’s
Favorite ice cream: peppermint
Favorite place: the gym
Favorite sport: My frist true love was and always will be gymnastics, but I have fallen pretty deeply for triathlon
Favorite actor: Tom Hanks
Favorite actress: Sandra Bullock

9 Currents
Current feeling: Tired and achy
Current drink: water
Current time: 8:56am
Current show on TV: no tv
Current mobile used: nothing.
Current windows open: wordpress
Current underwear: none – bike shorts
Current clothes: bike shorts, tank, sweatshirt
Current thought: i have so much to do today

8 Firsts
First nickname: Baby Eagoo
First kiss: James, my friend’s older brother. I tackled him and kissed him in third grade. But then not another ‘real’ kiss until 9th grade
First crush: James. The above mentioned tackle kiss
First best friend: Aubrey Wallman
First vehicle I drove: My mom’s chevy malibu when I was 10 or 11
First job: Chuck E. Cheese. I was Chuck E
First date: I can’t remember. Probably a school dance in 9th grade.
First pet: OJ, an orange cat I would carry around by the neck

7 Lasts
Last drink: water
Last kiss: Last night. A first kiss from James. 😉
Last meal: Protien bar
Last website visited: Live Journal
Last movie watched: Step Up (With James and his 13 year old daughter and her friend)
Last phone call: James (details for the movie)
Last TV Show watched: Survivor (for the first time ever)

6 Have you evers
Have you ever broken the law: Yes, I’m sure in my car all the time
Have you ever been drunk: yep
Have you ever kissed someone you didn’t know: No. i don’t think so
Have you ever been close to gun fire: Yes. My brothers used to shoot birds in our backyard
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes. wonderful!
Have you ever broken anyones heart: yes

5 Things
5 things you can hear right now: aerobics music, the radio, weights, computer buzzing, people talking
5 things on your bed: sheets, comforter, pillows, throw blanket, the cutest kitten ever
5 things you ate today: protien bar, water, power gel
5 things you can’t live without: water, friends, my bike, my running shoes, my goggles
5 things you do when you get bored: internet, eat, sleep, call people, crosswords

4 Places you have been today
the gym, that’s it

3 Things on your desk right now
well, it’s not really my desk, but things that are mine…
cell phone
hear rate monitor
water bottle

2 Choices
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: hot

1 Place you want to visit
Italy

Usually I am very closed off. Distant. Unemotional. Some people would even call me cold. That is just me. And after reading a recent post from Paul about the stars and such, I think maybe it’s ingrained. Not just me. I have an excuse. I am aquarius. Anyway, lately I have been very unaquarian in this aspect. I have been *very* emotional. I cry at the slightest things. Get worked up over things that don’t matter. And I have not been very good about hiding my emotions.

This is my diagnoses. I met someone. Fell in love. Let him into my soul. Let him see my deepest secrets, thoughts, and feelings. I let him see my emotion. For the first time in my life, I didn’t hide anything. This opened the gates. Tears flowed. I became irrational. I became sensitive. I became emotional.

He tore my heart and soul to pieces when he took his love away. I had no outlet for these emotions that have been welling up. I used to be able to talk to him about everything. Now he isn’t there. I’ve been so caught up in the fact that he was no longer a part of my life that I beleived that I was emotional about him. After some recent contemplation and internal reflection… I have come to the conclusion that my being emotional has to do with my childhood more than my recent past.

Here is the story. I was raised by a single mother. She got married when I was 12. I wanted a father so badly. I was incredibly excited. I couldn’t wait to be a ‘family’. He was an alcoholic. He was physically abusive. He was emotionally abusive. He was sexually abusive. My mother stayed with him. She is still with him. I don’t go home to visit because he is there. I do not have a family because he is a part of it.

Jason gave me a family. I became important, loved, part of something. We weren’t married, but we were well on our way. In my mind we were already there. I lived with him and his son. I acted as wife and mother. We were a family. I became a part of his extended family as well. They gave me a mother and father. A sister. Cousins. Aunts. Family Friends. I was part of a real family. I thought this was my family and I would be there forever.

He gave me that. I’ve wanted it my entire life. I needed it.

And then he tore it away from me. I am alone in the world again. I have friends. But even the best friends are not the same as having a family.

I guess the closest thing I have to a family right now is CLO. My surrogate sister. But she has her own family. Her own life. Sometimes I feel like I am imposing on her family. But I just want to be part of something. I want to have people to share life with. To celebrate with. Even to fight with. And then make up because you still love each other. And that’s what families do. Maybe I just have an unrealistic dream of a family in my head. I know all families are different. But I don’t think my family was ‘a family’.

That is why I am emotional. I caught a brief glimpse of what I have been missing. And it was snatched away before I could fully enjoy it. I am sad. I miss my mother. I miss my brothers. I wish I had a father.

Things I would like to do before I die
1. Race Ironman Hawaii
2. Visit Italy
3. Ride with the Tour de France
4. Have a family
5. Truly be happy with myself

Things I CAN NOT do

1. Play Tennis (or any other raquet sport)
2. Forgive my step-father
3. Eat sushi
4. Fly an airplane
5. Sleep past 7:00am

Things I CAN do
1. Cook
2. Swim, bike, & run
3. See the good in others
4. sudoku (analytical puzzles)
5. Write (when I’m motivated)

Things that attracted me to my (future) husband
1. Compassion
2. Athleticism
3. Sensitivity
4. Kindness
5. Adoration of me


Things I say most often

1. “What?!”
2. “Oh my goodness.”
3. “Whatever.”
4. “uh-huh…”  (whenever I’m not really listening)
5. “No, *insert whatever* does not count as a fruit/vegetable.”

Books I love to read
1. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
2. Anne of Green Gables by Megan Follows
3. Little Women by Louisa M. Alcott
4. It’s Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong
5. This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti

Movies I love
1. Princess Bride
2. Finding Neverland
3. Forest Gump
4. Shawshank Redemption
5. Sleepless In Seattle

So I went my three days without calling. Actually more. I’m not sure. 5? 6? My ‘prize’ was a cool little table which I spray painted the legs an awesome chrome. So it will match my kitchen cabinets. White and silver. It’s a cool 60’s kind of kitchen with silver counter tops. Kind of reminds me of the Jetsons. 😀

Anyway, it wasn’t that hard to not call him once I decided that I wasn’t going to. Not to mention that I was a little distracted by some new acquaintances I’ve made recently. That helped. I wasn’t just sitting at home. Alone.

Speaking of sitting at home… yesterday was a holiday. One of the first holidays I have had in a long time. I used to have to work every weekend and every holiday, so this was definitely long coming. I am tapering for a race I have this weekend, so I couldn’t just go workout for hours like I usually do whenever I have free time. So… I read.

I’ve been meaning to read ‘Angels and Demons’, the pre-cursor to ‘The Da Vinci Code’, but I just hadn’t gotten around to it. So… I woke up without an alarm (absolutely wonderful) at 6:15. I started wandering around the house and decided that it was just too early for me to be up on a holiday. I went back to bed. I slept until 8ish and decide that was good enough and picked up ‘Angels & Demons’. I continued to read until 4pm! Every time I thought about going for a swim, or a run, I just couldn’t put it down. I got up to fix myself something to eat and the entire time I was whipping up my tuna salad I felt as if I was missing something. Like the story would continue on without me and I would miss some important detail. It was crazy! I’ve never had that happen before. I mean I’ve read books that I had a hard time putting down, but never did I feel like I was missing out when I did. It was the oddest thing.

So anyway, I made it half-way through the 650 or so pages and decided that I had better get something done. I went for a short run and then to the hardware store for some paint and wooden dowels I needed. I spent the rest of the evening chillin’ with CLO, a little bit of vino, a little bit of ‘Freinds’, and quite a bit of appletinis. 🙂

It was a great day.

I am getting used to being single. And enjoying it. The fact that I can sit around and do nothing and then just decide when I am going out and where,without consulting or even a thought to anyone else. It’s great! I had forgotten what that felt like. That freedom. To do and be as I please.

So I made this deal with a friend that I would not call J for an entire week. Well it will turn out to be more than a week, but I figure after a week I will be used to him not being in my life. For every three days that I don’t call him, CLO is going to give me a present! Yeah! She’s like my ‘Jason Patch’. I don’t really need him. And I don’t really need to talk to him. I am just used to him being there. So I call out of habit. I call because it feels weird not to call. Even though I have nothing to say.

So today is day 2. I haven’t talked to him since 9ish on Tuesday night. But that was in person. I guess it counts still, but… I didn’t call him.

You know in the movies, they show the girl calling, and calling, and calling. (I’m not that bad!) but why do women call? Why do we put ourselves in that position? Why do we make the guy think we can’t live without him when we know it’s not true? Why do we have such a hard time letting go? Eh, I don’t know. I guess that’s why I have friends that make present yielding deals. 🙂

Something wakes me in the middle of the night. I open my eyes to see light. What? Did I leave a light on? I half sit-up. The door to my apartment is open. I hear a noise coming from the bathroom. Pulling the sheets up around me I sit up with a timid “hello?” A drunken man stumbles out of my bathroom and stares at me.

What is this? What’s going on? How did this happen?

“What are you doing? You need to leave?”

“No you leave!”

“What?”

Incoherent mumbling

“You need to get out now!”

More mumbling

“Leave now or I am calling the police”

“Go ahead, call the police”

How am I going to get out of this. I am naked. Protected only by a sheet and a comforter. What do I do? What is he going to do? I can’t just sit here!

I pull at the sheet, but it is tucked so tightly at the bottom that I cannot get it off the bed. I pull the comforter around me all bundled up hoping that he doesn’t get violent, or worse.

Finally as I reach for my phone he staggers out mumbling something about ‘fucking crazy bitches’. I slam the door closed behind him and lock all four locks. Crazy. When I moved in I laughed that there were four different locks. I’m in a secure building!

I broke down immediately. Shaking and crying. I didn’t know what to do. I called Jason. After I told him what happened and he determined that I was not hurt, he told me I needed to call the police. I felt silly calling them. Afterall, what could they do? He was gone, right?

The police came. Took a report. Searched the area. They found nothing. After they left I called Jason again to tell him that they came and everything was all right. There was no way I was going to be able to get any sleep. He invited me to sleep over there. Of course I jumped at it! Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I did not want to be there, alone. So, I went to Jason’s and he was very sweet. He held me and comforted me until I finally fell asleep. I think I got about 45′ before I had to get up.

When I went back to my apartment this morning there were two police cars sitting outside. I guess they were watching for him. That makes me feel good that they actually took it seriously and were doing something.

I left a note for my manager notifying her of the situation and requesting the locks be changed. After some nosing around, she found that my neighbor across the hall had about three guy friends over last night. One of them fit the description of the guy I saw. They were all still very drunk this morning. I guess he just went into the wrong apartment. I like to think that’s what it was.

What if I didn’t wake up? What if he just climbed into bed and found a naked woman? What if he had a weapon? What if he wasn’t alone? What if…

I haven’t felt that vulnerable in a very long time. I thought that after leaving home I would never have to feel that way again. I am still shaking as I write this.

I really do not want to be at work today.

Two crazy things associated with last night. One-I always lock the deadbolt behind me, even during the day. It is just a habit. for some reason I did not last night. Two-When I called Jason, he was wide awake. For some reason he had woken up about five minutes before I called.

I don’t know what that means, but it is eerie.